LET US TALK MATTERS GUILT.

Let’s talk a little bit about guilt. The guilt brought on by Lupus and any other chronic condition. The feeling that comes from within you because you are no longer the same person, no longer capable of being carefree, no longer living your life. It’s a constant battle to keep up the smiling and pretend that you are okay when you really are not. You are a completely new person; one who has physical complaints every single day, whether you verbalize them or not. Everyday health is now replaced with pain, fatigue, anguish, agony, and the constant battle for your life. Even to the best of us, we have moments when complaints escape us, far more than we would have thought possible. And as this personal struggle goes on inside me, I still worry about my loved ones; parents, siblings, and friends. It’s a “There I go again” kind of situation. I wonder how they put up with me, how they can stand listening to me, yet, they still do. They bear emptiness; a loss inside them because things have surely changed. My condition has taken its toll on every single one of them.

Every time someone asks me how I’m feeling, the one time I feel justified to actually complain (you did ask after all) I feel guilty and most of the time, I lie. I say I’m “just fine” (I know a few people whose heads are turning right about now at the mention of those two words) but, you have to try and understand me. I do not want to be a whiner, yet, that’s the direction this condition shoves me towards. So for my sanity, I have to “protect” your feelings as best I can because listing the insanity going on within my body, heart, and soul would be gut-wrenching for us both. I feel that I can protect you best by hiding my suffering because it’s just too much for others to take in. If it’s hellishly overwhelming for me, I’m sure they feel the same way. Then there is this helplessness that aches my heart to witness when a loved one realizes that they cannot ease my suffering. So what’s the best solution here? For all the loved ones of chronically ill people, it’s not only hard on you, but it’s also twice, if not more, harder on us. We worry about ourselves, we worry about you, and though it may not be fair how we handle it sometimes, please bear with us.
However, with time, through a lot of love and support, I have come to realize that I needn’t feel guilty as such, that it is okay to say exactly how I’m feeling (to some extent) and that I will always have people to support me every day not to feel guilty.

Here are some reminders for you as you sit there on the brink of a guilty bout of self-loathing, one not deserved nor asked for:
• Having lupus is not your fault: You did nothing to cause this. This is not karma or the fact that you consume too many soft drinks. This happened because this disease exists, as do you, and life is filled with challenging and often painful things that we must go through. Do not blame yourself.
• You are worthy of care and concern: Accept love and compassion from those who care enough to ask how you are. Don’t push love away. You deserve it (care, sympathy, and help) without feeling any guilt.
• Do not let others make you feel like you should never complain or that lupus is not a big deal: If they were to change places with you for a day, their opinion would probably be very different. Accept that they don’t understand and let it go.
• Find your faith: Whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs, I fully believe that part of this battle is a lesson. I rely on my faith, this is part of my journey and I have the strength to make it through. I pray. I vent and ask for peace. Do what is in your heart to help yourself let go and focus on what matters.
• If you find yourself feeling, alone, overwhelmed, and depressed, seek help. Join a support group, call a friend who will let you vent judgment-free, reach out to fellow lupies or talk with a qualified therapist. Let go of the guilt that comes with this disease. It does not serve you and you did nothing to deserve it. Let it go!
Thankfully, there is a man in my life, this man has been through it all with me, this man holds my hand, this man is my therapist, this man prays for me, and this man is a wonderful human being…… this man, is my father! I thank the good Lord for this man. I am grateful for my mother, for my two baby brothers, those family and friends (they know themselves) words are not sufficient. And you Aunt Suzie, think I’d forget you?! You are special to me! This is going to get very emotional so let me stop there.

Till the next post, keep it here! And don’t forget, SPREAD THE WORD, CREATE LUPUS AWARENESS!