MENTAL HEALTH AND LUPUS.

It has been a long, long time since I last wrote. There are several reasons for that, actually, one, writer’s block – at some point, I just could not write a thing, but it’s lifting now, so hopefully, better, clearer days ahead. Two, procrastination – I know you all know and understand this one; postponing till you can postpone no more. Lastly, a bout of depression- mental health when it comes to lupus plays a vital part in our wellbeing. So pain; physical and emotional, stress, uncertainty, and all other worldly pressure all came to a head, so I had to take some time for myself. I must admit, I have been depressed before, so I know depression quite well, but this one was on a whole new level. But I am happy to report that I am much better, letting go and letting God and all that.

Mental health is a subject that has been avoided and shunned for the longest time. I have had depression come and go during the course of my life (post-diagnosis), that is. I have had people refuse to believe that I could have mental health problems apparently because I laugh and smile a lot. Most of the time, that is very genuine, and other times, it is a façade, and it does help me some because then, unless you know me very well, it is hard to tell. But I thank God for caregivers who care and who know the signs and symptoms.

Personally when depression hits, I stop doing things that I love; I stop writing, I stop reading, eating only on occasion, spend most of my days in bed till such a time when it gradually lifts. And I let it be, because that is my process, and I understand it. Everybody’s case is different in terms of manifestations and solutions, so I won’t purport to know how to fix cases of depression. What I know is that depression is not a choice one makes. It is a chemical imbalance that can be resolved using medications or not. My doctor prescribed antidepressants for me a few years ago and suffice to say, taking them on a daily basis would “cramp my style” so I had to know how to monitor myself and I made the decision to only take them only when shit truly hit the fan! (Forgive my François)
It is especially sad that no combination of drugs or therapy can fix it. It is one of those things for me, which just take however long they will. What works for me may not work for someone else. Nothing anyone can say or do can fix it. Depression is an ever-evolving disease that eats away at your brain, your strength, and emotions. Once you think you’ve got things under control, it’ll contort and poke at a tender spot you didn’t even know existed. My tipping points are usually emotional pain and distress. I think I am so used to the physical pain that it doesn’t really scare me that much, but emotions, those are scary. Other times, the world just gets to me, you know? The pressures of life and ‘adulting’. The fact that securing a job with a chronic condition is almost impossible here in Kenya. I just thank God that my family is understanding and does not pressure me any more than I already do myself. Otherwise, this would be a whole different story. And especially, being young and sick, we need people around us who understand us; parents, siblings, friends, relatives. Depression makes me a tad selfish, and it is one of the things I hate most about it. It takes me to a mental space where I am in my own head that I cannot look around and think about others but lucky for me, I have a great support system that stands right there with me, for however long I may need.

I have also been on the other end of a depressive episode, where someone I love was depressed and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I know that when I am in one of my episodes, it is especially hard for them. Just know that there’s nothing anyone can say that a depressed person will believe or that will pull them back to the surface where reason lies. This reality is very tough.

So, as I take the time for my brain to heal, slowly but surely, I thank you for understanding and for supporting my journey. Till next time, Godspeed!